Operation Synthetic Black Gold

It began like any other operation.  Starts with the summons to gather for an operations meeting, and all the players gather for the briefing before prep and departure.  

Col. Campbell was giving the orders like always, but the usual suspects were nowhere to be found, it was just me. All the rest of the FOXHOUND Unit were not in attendance, that was unusual to say the least.  

“Your codename for this operation will be Glass Snake.”

“YES!.. Umm sorry sir.”

I was overestatic I was getting the legendary codename of Snake, although I’m pretty sure I would late catch a conversation on the codec along the lines of some unnamed individual cough cough Miller cough, making a comment about telling him meaning me something about glass snakes not being something or another before he was cut off by someone else going no don’t waste your time.  I honestly don’t think they like me but the codename was all mine so call me Glass Snake, I’m the FOXHOUND it man now oh yeah.  Anyway, back to the details.

The Col. wasn’t sugar coating anything with his briefings like always.  This is going to be the proverbial cake walk Snake, he says.  Well in my mind he said it that way at least.  Hey who’s detailing this report.  So cakewalk Col. easy as pie, he says.  A simple babysitting gig, meet the target, and make sure he gets from point A to point B in one piece.  

It’s something like December 20th or so late 1997.   It’s kind of damn cold outside but nobody seems to think much of it, or the lack of snow on the streets.  I mean it’s almost Christmas and it’s snowing but there isn’t a drop of fucking snow anywhere except in the air.  That should have been a huge red flag about how this was not going to end well.

So skipping the dull and boring parts the briefing ended I geared up in a monkey suit and tie, and was packing the world’s smallest handgun that didn’t hold only two bullets at a time.  Talk about feeling under prepared, but hell this was a simple meet and escort mission, I shouldn’t have even been involved with it.  I arrived early like a good agent and was staking out the place.  A donut shop on the corner of I don’t and do I look like a care where, central New York City.  I was supposed to meet the target in five to ten minutes and I was just being thorough. Can you blame me? In my line of work anything that can go wrong, will probably already have gone wrong sixteen minutes before you find out about it minimum.

And it did for the love of god it did.  First of all my target was being escorted by a man I was all too familiar with at least by his records anyway.  The man was sleek and haunted his eye, but I could tell it was Frank Jaeger the moment I locked eyes with him and started reaching for my peashooter.  The man codenamed Gray Fox.  He was not supposed to be here.  But I had my orders and he was playing ecort too which wasn’t in the briefing at all.  I checked myself at his request and assertion that he wasn’t there to fight unless I pressed the issue.  Fine, I thought this is just business.  The new Snake and the Old fox meet to hand off an escort target.  Nice and… hold on now, I got a good look at the target to be escorted, and suddenly it hit me, Fox was going to be going all the way with this as a second escort.  A detail I don’t think was deliberately left out of the brief, I think we just plain weren’t informed about it, or that the target I was to be escorting was one Doctor, Drago Pettrovich Madnar, the acclaimed led scientist behind the Metal Gear fiasco of the Outer Heaven incident.  I was getting ready to call bullshit, when the Col. Chimed in on the codec to inform me that we were escorting him to safety and that Jaeger was requested as a top agent, one who Madnar was familiar with.  

He seemed better informed and less surprised than myself at Fox’s appearance here, but that was only the beginning of shit going sideways.  Nevertheless a mission is a mission and we got it under way.  Our task was to go from here to the boat and pass off the good doctor to the waiting ship for his relocation.  Now this is where things start to go sideways, radio silence, ok no problem, radio’s dead, not good especially when certain other events started to take place around us that should have been reported sooner.  

Like I said our radios went dead almost as soon as the mission went radio silent.  That wasn’t really the issue, we managed to make our way to the dockyard where the ship was waiting nice and easy.  First we were met by a few more scientists who held an impromptu conversation about mold and worms, and the oil shortage hastening.  I catch bits and pieces like the name Marv, Dr kio being mentioned and his algae OILIX compound was revealed to the world, other names of the gathered scientist, Carlos M. an executive of the Umbrella Corporation and a Morpheus D. Duvall, likewise of the UC, as well as a local New York City Doctor, Hans Klamp.  All of these men seem to be sharing their work in whispers as they are excited to be meeting each other.

Frankly it was boring the shit out of me, but what I gathered was that they were all using the same compound for their research, and the OILIX compound seemed to be yet another variation of the source material in use.  Ironic or prophetic that so many leading scientists were using the same base material in what sounded to me like completely different forms of research.  

Madnar kept referring to BKW’s, which I believe I caught the words Bio-Kinetic Weaponry at sound point in his speeches.  Meanwhile, Klamp was talking about a similar yet drastically different process involving mitochondria evolution or some such thing where the human being could evolve into a superior species if it was harnessed properly.  Carlos M. was talking about his research involving a virus stemming from the same source material and how it was showing regenerative properties which he would like to incorporate with the others research. Meanwhile Morpheus D. Duvall was not as talkative of the rest but kept eyeing a massive shortage contain on the docks that was under a tight guard the whole time, only stating that it was a project worth his time inside, and that he was okay with his dismissal front he waste disposal plant he had most recently been in charge of.  He grinned openly every time he eyed the shipping container, and I tell you it was huge, far bigger than your average shipping container for a fact.

A number of men scientists in fact who at first glance appeared to share very little to nothing in common nor their respective research topics, but then again they all seemed to be of one mind considering they all used the same base materials in their work.  It was above my pay grade and I could be done with them soon enough.  

Madnar, joined the scientists as they boarded their ship and prepared to set sail, while Fox and I were given new orders as it were to guard the shipping container and await its pickup by the new year.

And that was only the beginning of a long nine days.

Guard duty is boring, extremely boring when the other guard refuses to talk more than necessary.  Jaeger, you suck and we are still under radio silence orders, not that it matters seeing as our radios are silent for unknown reasons to begin with.

To amend what I stated before, Dr. Hans Klamp did not leave with the rest of the scientists aboard the ship, he left before it’s departure, but was planning to come back later today, this wonderfully boring snowless second day of guarding the giant shipping crate detail.  

When he finally arrived, he was extremely excited about something, and made us turn away from the shipping container as he accessed a smaller man sized door on it, closing it behind him as he entered.  He was in there for hours it seemed, doing god alone knew what before he finally came back out.  I was bored and trying to figure out what a doctor would find so enthralling inside that giant shipping crate to keep his attention for hours.  Imagine my surprise when he finally emerged carrying a handful of small vials with some strange substance inside of them.  

He was humming a strangely familiar tune, that he said was from a play his something or another female friend was starring in a couple of days from today.  He seemed very happy about her, Melissa something or other, the name slips my mind when I try to recall it for some reason.  Regardless he started to get a little chatty when he brought up her name, and made a strong showing of his plans when he sees her next.

He was kind of scary, like a mad scientist all bug eyed and overbearing about her.  And his dreams and plans for their future in the world, at least I think that was what he was mumbling, right before he ducked back inside the container returning with a small stack of file folders.  Mumbling under his breath about how the other doctor’s won’t even miss their research notes for a few days, seeing as the containers pick up was at least a week away yet, and that they would not be returning at all.  He would have plenty of time to return them after perusing their notes and research thoroughly.

Day 2 was sucking ass, like the end of Day one until Fox started to get hungry like a mofo… well I was too, but he was craving some fast food and I was the loser in rock paper scissors, so we both pulled out or cell phones and traded numbers you know radio silence and all blocking out our codec communications, so we had to go low tech.  And would you believe it we both had the same phone type like somebody knew we were going to meet up and flip out our phones at some point.





We were so low tech we resorted to sending text based messages back and forth in no small part to them costing less than minutes.  I can’t see this expensive form of communication lasting or catching on in the future, the codec is such a better form of communication overall.  Cell phones are low tech trash, that won’t last mark my words.  The Codec will find its way into the civilian market like the internet did and become the next big thing.  

No doubt about it at all, and I was off on a food run. We needed it, drinks, food, and between the two of us, I trusted Gray Fox’s skills more than my own, which is to say he didn’t trust my skills to be alone on guard duty of such an important container…

I still feel slighted by that comment of his, I mean I’ve never been taken prisoner and held captive against my will by my own superior officer.  Of course Roy Campbell is a push over in hand to hand combat compared to the old Big Boss, God rest his traitorous soul, still a damn good soldier and fighter he was.  

That over course brought me to my dilemma, and it was a major crisis.  So I sent a text to Fox asking him for his two cents to weigh in on the problem.

Do we get MacDonald’s or Burger King,  Big Mac or Whopper, 101 Dalmatians, or Anastasia.  I mean the choice was too difficult for one man to make alone.  I had to call for reinforcements on the decision.   And Gray Fox surprisingly wanted the Anastasia Burger King Toys… freak!.  And he wanted both toys too, what a jerk.








Well who was I to argue, he’d probably hand me my ass in a fair fight,and we were working together so fighting over them was off the table.  But that’s not the real point of bringing up this excursion away from the crate of mass proportions.  It was what I saw in line at the local BK, or rather a who that I couldn’t possibly believe to be true.  I swear I saw my codenames precessor, Solid Snake standing in line ordering B fucking K, God I wish I had a camera to get a picture of this guy, he looked so much like the Old Snake I wanted to see if Jaeger would believe it was him too.  

But no phones don’t have cameras and never will the damn things are way too big, almost like lugging around the older cell phone models, oh god those were a nightmare.  Practically had to have a separate tote bag for them.  Anyway I followed him after grabbing our order, keeping a discreet distance, until I tailed him to the home of a local pig, I mean he wasn’t a pig, but you know these NYC cops, all uptight and shit.  Anyway he was standing on the cops doorstep ad they were talking rather loudly about some opera going on in a couple of days.

The cop was asking him if he’d be interested in hooking up with his partner, for the night on a blind date, maybe get her to shut up and stop being so uptight about everything if she could relax for a night.  He seemed reluctant, as he glanced over his shoulder, and I swear he spotted me hidden amongst the cardboard boxes piled on the curb across the road.  Whoever said cardboard boxes make great camouflage was full of shi… oh right my precursor.  Never mind scratching that last comment from the record.

I did what any good field operative would do in my position I stole a digital camera along the way back following the meandering snake-a-like.





Top of the line commercial product was only two years old, but it had an lcd preview screen which was what I needed to get Fox’s opinion on the likelihood of this being “the Snake”.  I caught a couple pictures of him frontal included, while I stealthily hid from his view behind oil drums and dumpsters whenever he turned in my direction.  I’m a pro god dammit, don't doubt my stalking skills, I mean following a suspect abilities without detection.

Though I still think he could sense my presence, he kept looking right at my hiding spots whenever he stopped and looked back.  Creepy really.  After finding out where he was staying and watching it for a while I made my way back to the dockyard, and Fox gave me shit for being so long and that his fries were cold.  I laughed and said at least they weren’t cold MacDonald’s fries.

After taking a fry bag to the face, I told him about the possible Snake sighting.  He said it wasn’t likely that Snake was somewhere in the Canadian Wilderness at last report, so it couldn’t be him.  Then I showed him the pictures on the camera.





Fucking day 2 sucks!  He got this look in his eye and suddenly our codecs were working on an unknown channel brimming with a new mission update.  Retrieve target codenamed Elusive Snake!  Top Priority, all other missions are on hold, and officially have become secondary missions until the target is acquired!  The hell just happened I thought, and the codec went silent once again.

Jaeger and I backtrack to the spot where I found this so-called Elusive Snake was residing, and we missed him.  He wasn’t home, and believe me we broke into his apartment and searched everywhere for him or a clue as to where he went.  We combed that place thoroughly looking for anything at all to lead us to him.  Nothing, so we split up.  Jaeger took the BK and I went to the pig’s pen, where I tailed him the day before.  The carolers in the street are singing their hearts out all up and down the block, I’ve go very little choice in how I look just standing around, so I join in with them until my voice starts going horse.  Urban camouflage …






No I don’t look the least bit out of place standing around on a street corner watching a cops house.  No, not at all.  So I sing like I don’t hate the holiday and it’s commercialism, like I’m not a trained soldier waiting to stalk my target.  Day 3 drags on and on.  I don’t get eyes on the Elusive Snake, but the pig does come home at one point.  And I decide I’m going to follow him and if push comes to shove, until this blind date he mentioned last night.  It’s as good an opportunity as any to regain eyes on the target.  

Now this gets to be tricky business as he meets up with his partner.  For their shift.  And this lady scares the hell out of me, she’s got this look in her eye when she’s on duty as they pass by on patrol like she could rip my heart out through my nose and not disturb a single nose hair in the process.  

…





See what I mean?  Looks to kill, and she’s got one hell of a cross punch and kicks too.  They chase down a crack dealer for six blocks and she’s stalking his ass the whole way while her partner is following in their patrol car.  My god suchs a brute she’s got to be one hell of a …





Oh yeah that song playing on a nearby radio just about sums her up nicely I think.  What a bitch.  This is going nowhere really unless your interest lies in bra sizes and the blind date she doesn’t want to be a part of.  Oh good she relents and accepts it, I think I’ll be switching my surveillance.  I send Fox a message reporting my change of target, but oddly he’s radio silent on the text too.  But I know my new target will eventually lead me to the Elusive Snake  in time.

Which makes me wonder why this guy who looks an awful lot like Solid Snake, is being given the codename of Snake.  He must be dangerous, highly skilled in weapons, and cqc martial arts and other kinds of warfare.  Why else would he be assigned a designation of Snake which has only ever been given to two other people other than myself before.  He looks rather plain to me from what I saw.  But he’s friends with a cop, and one that seems to know his shit, and so does his bitchy partner.  

It’s a long shift and more than once does she get out and run down a suspect on foot, manhandling more than one brute throughout the day's work.  Finally it quits and I follow her back to her place for the night.  She keeps looking over her shoulder in my direction, like she can feel my eyes glued to her ass.  Well she is pointing it at me!  Not my fault if I enjoy the view from a discreet distance beyond her sight.  She stops one final time on her doorstep then in she goes.  

Operation Black Gold, Day 4, December 23rd 1997

I really, really didn't have to sit through a double feature matinee of three hours and fifteen minute screening and repeat to know that…

THE FUCKING TITANIC SANK!





Yeah Good Riddance, she finally left the damn theater and it’s getting dark, well actually it got dark real quick once I tailed her out of the theater.  Street lights and a snowflake or two, that and a long damn walk following her from a distance.  This day’s been a bust, Fox has finally called me to report that he’s had no luck either, and that he’s been ordered to return to the dockyard for the time being, unless I make contact before tomorrow night’s blind date.

I don’t see that happening, so I find myself a nice corner down the street from her place to keep an eye on the door all hobo like.  And wait.



Operation Black Gold, Day 5, december 24th 1997





It’s Christmas Eve woohoo, woohoo.  I’m thrilled to be standing in the street where it’s cold as hell, and still next to no snowfall what a shitty winter.  But that makes my job easier so I shouldn’t really complain.  No tracks to denote I followed her or still am.

I find myself following her to a local diner first thing in the morning and it’s crawling with suits.  And I don’t mean business suits, I mean the Men in Black, those dogs on a leash that are always causing my lot grief.  And these guys stick out like a turd in vanilla ice cream.





No they are clearly New York Attornies on a lunch break at 8 am in the morning.  Seriously, are we double booked?  With the G-men seriously?  How many organizations are currently in town.  Grey Fox, apparently doing special a assignment for FoxHound, Foxhound, the Feds, Umbrella scientists, god!  All we need now is some black ops spooks from the company and Umbrella’s version of the goon squad to round out the city block party we have going on.  This city was getting smaller and more congested with each passing hour.  Well I took a seat inside keeping my back to a wall and my eyes split between the skirt and the feds.  You never know who is going to tweak out first.

Frankly this day can’t end fast enough, Elusive Snake only a few hours away, well a whole day but still.  I just had to wait it out.  Nothing of note happened the Feds minded their own business apparently not in the loop, but you never know with the above board government folk.  And the piglass she went to work and then made a break for home.  I followed of course but she was picked up by a car shortly before the witching hour for her blind date with Elusive…

The time was drawing near for me to strike and retrieve this target.  I caught the opening cords of a cool song on a young punk's boombox, I still can’t believe people still walk around with them in the city.





Oh yeah I’m going to start a fire and burn this fake Snake to the ground, maybe get a few cheap shots in while I transport him back to the warehouse.

Day 1 December 24th night, 1997
Carnegie Hall blind date night at the opera


(Things being from 14:20)


You know everything started off really good, I mean we were hitting it off on the ride over really well and even with this playing in the car it wasn’t awkward at all.





She actually giggled about it, and smiled.  It was amazing there was a bit more hope for this night than I originally gave it.  And things just blurred together and I started blurting out whatever came to mind.  Why did I tell her that about the tickets, I don’t even know who my father is. Tch.  I can barely say I know who my mother is at that.  Stupid runaway bride.

That thought almost brought my mood down, but we were enjoying the opera, and I hate opera!  It just goes on and on and on, but my date Aya.  Nice ass. And that dress.  Umm I really have no idea what the opera is about.  My eyes are glued to her cleavage and the slit up the leg showing off just enough leg and tigh to make my dream about seeing the color of her…

OH FUCK.  JESUS  GOD ALMIGHTY WHAT THE HELLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





AND SO THE FUCK EVERYONE ELSE!

FIRE WATER BURN  FOXTROT UNIFORM CHARLIE KILO
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK FUCK
FUCK
FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK FUCK

“Go get out of here NOW!!

“WAHHAH WHAT!”

Ok now my best moment!  I think I shit my pants, oh wait no that just blood and charred man goo!  Thank god I would really be embarrassed if I did that.  I didn't, right?  Whoo.. FUCK MY BALLS ARE ON FIRE!

Put it out, put it out, put it out… oucchhhhhh… too hard.





Oh thank god she’s gone, I’m such a clutz right now.  Uncool!  I crawl across the floor of Carnegie Hall like a parasite trying to hide from the sight of everything and everyone.  That singer and actress broad was crazy, and Aya went straight to shoot it out with her.  I’m not cut out to date a cop.  I need to go home before I embarrass myself further.

Wait a minute doesn’t that ac… nah must be my imagination.  I’m out of here.  Just have to get out of here without becoming a human fucking torch!  There’s the door, the hallway, oh look the usher’s crispy, and so’s the doorman.. Cough cough, that’s not smoke I’m choking on it’s human scented air freshener…

Can you still call it an air freshener if it doesn’t make the air smell better?

Really bad time for jokes Mort.  What can I say I was in a bit of a daze, as I exited the building and pushed the EMT away from me, his cigarette ash landing on my shoulder as he got close to me.





I pushed him with all I had. Honestly that wasn’t much at all.  I think I heard him whisper something about elusive snacks or something, it was weird and I wasn’t thinking straight.  Stumbling as much as walking, I couldn’t run!  There were others running maybe somebody else lucky enough to get out of Carnegie Hall before flaming on like a human bonfire.  I wasn’t thinking clearly, a part of me was in disbelief about it all.

It didn’t really hit me, until the manhole cover.  The one that flew up smacking me in…

The face.  Ouch, that does hurt you know.  But the crazy ass flying demon witch chick that flew out of it was even fucking scarier.  I had to be losing my mind because what I saw next was unfuckingbelievable.  It had to be the sewer gasses making my hallucinate both the flying witch and that fucking rat. I was just a rat.




I don’t remember how I got away from it, or if I got away from it.  That scared the hell out of my already lucidly fucked up mind.  It’s teeth and breathe horrid putrid.  The odor I blanked out.  

Next thing I remember was hearing the radio playing in my own apartment.  I must have survived because I woke up in the middle of the night at home.  And that fucking song was playing on the radio agin.





What were you expecting that over fucking played cover piss off with that shit, the original was bad enough.  Torn, my shirt was torn, my pants were torn, hell my underwear is torn too.  Oh fuck I need to change.  No, I need to piss.  I feel like I’ve been at it all night fucking, I now I didn’t bring anyone home with me right?  Check rooms, bathroom, kitchen, bedroom?  Nope alone, pants pants pants, Where are my pants, any pants, will do.  Ahh there we go…. Sniff sniff.  Is somebody having a barbeque?  No it’s getting fucking hot in here.  And my dumb ass grabs the door handle leading to the hallway and burns my hand, metal, fire, burning apartment building.  

Why did I drop my pants, I really wish I hadn’t done that as I made a beeline for the fire escape.  I ran for my life as a news report showed  my blind date officer Aya Brea tweaking out live, and the radio switched songs…

Day 2, December 25th, 1997
Christmas Day


I remember the flames.  Watching from across the street as all of my possessions and everything I ownedwas going up in smoke.  I felt like hell in my torn to shit clothing.  





And why does that song have to play at 3 A.M. so often, it’s not a requirement.  That was when I saw her and realized where I had seen the singer, actress from the opera.  She lived in the apartment across the hall; Melissa something or another.  She was pretty enough but then everything was a bit of a blur since the Opera.  

Opera, why did I go to the opera of all places?  Long drawn out notes, high pitched voices, and I think I blew the night royally long before the whole.. Uuughghghgh  pft pft.



Where am I?  I can’t see anything, it’s dark and musty smelling, at least I can’t smell my vomit, or do I?  I must have blacked out.  But I was on the street outside my apartment.  My apartment no man I spent so much time and money putting that collection of Glam Rock cd’s together.

“It was almost complete, just one more album to go from Winger and it would have been the perfect Glam Rock collection of all time.  THe fuc…! Shh shh”

SSSHHHHHH Motron shut the hell up, that’s not a sound you should be encouraging to get louder dumbass.  I’m pretty sure that smell is raw sewage. And New York City sewage isn’t all Ninja Turtles and pizza.  Mutation not included!

Pitter patter, pitter patter, it’s what I hear, the littel scrurying of the rats in the underbelly of New York City.  ..


Waaaiait aw wait a minute.. I remember the fucking rats..  They got big and ugly and jaws bigger than my head.  And man do I have a big head!  I start splashing backwards through the muck and yuck, not caring that I’m literally splashing around in raw sewage, as I try to get away from the sounds of the pitter patter in front of me.  I don’t care.  Shit, piss, dead bodies… I just want to get away before these rats become those rats and get all monsterfii….


Wait a minute did I just see dead bodies floating by.  Whimper.  This day is not a bad dream, it’s not a nightmare, it’s really happening.  I end up wandering around the sewers dodging mega rats and other bizarre mutations…

Balls… the size of Texas… I’m tripping balls here.  There is no way this isn’t some kind of bizarre fucked up lsd trip from hell.





There’s no other explanation for it, after all why else would I think I was in a sewer, with the occasional corpse floating by, that’s being eaten by a half skeleton, half mutated rat the size of a motorcycle.  Well maybe a miniature pony.  A small miniature pony.  Eventually I realize this shit fest is not a dream, and the music I hear coming from ahead sounds eerily familiar to the Opera from the previous shit fest.  

That’s when I realize I hate New York City, and the Opera, and the …. As I stop thinking and look up toward the… Well for lack of a better word the ceiling of the sewers and see that the entire thing is becoming covered in this weird otherworldly slime.  Gross really.





Then the worst possible thing happens: it starts to form and take shape right in front of me.  Now I know I’m high, I take back what I said before.  So I do what anyone in my position would do, clearly as high as the Empire State Building, I piss on that.  





I really had to go, honestly I don’t remember when the last time I went was.  I mean come on I was in the sewers, you literally can’t find a more appropriate place to take a piss.  Sidenote, slime monster does not like being pissed on.  Second sidenote, he can make a fist, and solidify.  Also…

Ugh…

Sewer walls hurt just as much as other walls when you are slammed into them at mach 6.  This slime seriously has some muscles.  Woohoo, I got my head shaved by a slime okay.  Wooohoo I can’t feel anything… woohoo.

I’d like to lie and say things get better quick; but I get mauled by a mucus and that’s not funny.  Stop laughing. Seriously snot, a giant glob of slithering sliding congealed snot is kicking my ass all round the Ninja Turtles’s secret lair.  You want to know what the secret of the Ooze is… it’s fucking stronger than me.

I would have been embarrassed but thank god there were no witnesses or NInja Turtles in the sewers for this.  Then it nearly drowns me as it pushes me away, shoving my along the sewers at a rapid pace until it violently vomits me out of a sewer grate into the fresh clear air of the streets of New York City.





I catch the beginning chords of Prodigy’s Smack My Bitch up as I flip through the fresher air, before slamming into the street.  I take it for all it’s worth and just lay there as I recover, not surprisingly being assaulted by the slime monster from the New York City Sewers…  Sounds like a really bad B rated horror flick, Spat Out by the NYC Sewer Slime Monster.

Smack my Bitch ugh…

Clocked right upside the fucking head from behind.  Son of Bitch that hurts.   I stumble around and get my first and only good look at this new assailant.  OH thank god it’s a human!  Fuck he punched me in the eye.  GOOODDD!  Gritting my teeth.

“What the fuck is wrong with you dude?”

He just grins at me through those blonde bangs in that pinstripe suit.  I feel like I’m getting assaulted by Rude of Turks.

“Piss off asshole, I’m not in the mode for a mugging with the day I’ve had.”

SMACK…. my bitcch up.  I’m not his bitch, I’m not his bitch.  I’m not a bitch, any bitch, anyone’s bitch.


Morton Dewolski vs Glass Snake
FIGHT!

One the side you have a special forces hand to hand combat trained soldier and member of the Foxhoud Unit.  Born to fight, trained to kill, and so on and so forth. On the other side you have the man who was given the codename Elusive Snake without any knowledge of the fact, simply because he has the appearance of the Legendary Naked Snake, Alias BIg Boss!  A man with zero fighting ability, no military training whatsoever, I mean I think he’s seen the Rambo Trilogy.  Twice, Maybe?  I mean he’s more of a fan of Singing in the Rain than Bloodsport.  You Know he prefers the Sound of Music, to the sound of his skull being caved in.  He’s a lover not a fighter, ok no he’s hardly a lover either.  More of a shut in, who keeps to himself and tries to just get by.  Needless to say, not a combatant at all. He is so getting his ass kicked by Glass Snake now.

It started off when Glass Snake's attention was drawn to a sewer drain cover blasted off into the night air not twenty feet from him.  Then his objective finally reappeared after losing him that morning outside of his apartment.  

Let’s interject some new music here too for the sake of pace.  Okay?





But after a day of searching in vain for his truly elusive target he just about literally dropped into his lap.  Smelling shit and piss but gift horse and mouths you know.  And yeah you know the music it’s fitting, because sometimes you have no choice but to adapt or die.  Sometimes you have to grow up the hard way.

Glass Snake saw his opening and took it without so much as a second thought.  He caught him from behind, trying to subdue him in one quick blow.  A stiff shot to the back of the head with his sidearm.  Lucky for Morton and not so lucky at the same time, he has a really thick skull.  He stumbled forward rubbing his head as his eyes blurred and his vision almost blacked completely.  He turned around blinking away the pain as his vision cleared and to his delight and surprise he was being accosted by a mugger he thought.  A kind of rich looking mugger, but human, and normal.  He spat out his “What the fuck is wrong with you dude?” answer by silence as Glass slides his sidearm back into its concealed holster.  And cracks his knuckles to which Morton replied with “Piss off asshole, I’m not in the mode for a mugging with the day I’ve had.”

“Really man grow the fuck up and get a job.”

“HMP!”

Glass’s only reply as he charges forward catching Morton not just by surprise but in the gut with his knee doubling him over coughing.  Following it up with a smooth kick of his left heel to Morton’s face as he pivots on his right foot in a left semi circle hooking his head as he comes round to face him once again with his right arm in a headlock.  Clasping his right hand into his left he yanks up on Morton’s throat dragging the much taller man to his feet awkwardly coughing the whole time.  Choking him with the awkwardly positioned hands around his neck and throat.  Lifting him up while yanking and pulling his head down.  

Sputtering out unintelligible words, Morton tried desperately to break free, flailing with his arms and hands at his assailants' sides to no avail.  Glass slid his right hand and arm up and around Morton’s neck tighter, freeing his left hand.  Punch after punch he slammed his left hand into Morton’s side causing his feeble attempts to free himself to dwindle as he clutched his side to protect it from the left handed assault.  Morton sags a little causing Glass Snake to grab him with his left hand and boost him back up onto his feet, to support his own weight more.  

Morton surged forward with all of his weight, pushing Glass backwards, almost off balance until he was brought up short by a quick upward thrusting pull of Glass’s arms around his throat.  Choking him and forcing him to move with his tucked in head.  





Breathe the pressure…  Morton was fading in and out from the pressure on his neck and head, all the while Glass was working on wearing the better built man down.  Despite his lack of training, Morton was built from the best stock, to be the best genetically regardless of training and special skills.  A mountain is still a mountain, regardless of anything else, and Glass had to go over the mountain that is Morton Dewolski in order to put him down and capture him.

“AAAAAAAAAAH!!!”

Morotn  screamed out trying to fight off the slow oxygen depletion which Glass was inducing with his choke hold.  Struggling through the pain and pressure, Morton wrapped his arms around his opponent and heaved for all he was worth.  Up and over Glass went flying in  a slightly modified version of a northern lights suplex





Morton Dewolski, he might not be trained like a special forces soldier, but he can wrestle his way out of a wet paper bag.  Spinning around on the ground he starts clawing his way over the top of Glass kneeing him over and over again in the face instead of rising to his feet. Battering the head and face of his assailant over and over again.  Doing as much damage as he can as quickly as he can with the harder parts of his body.  He knows he’s outclassed in combat skills but maybe just maybe he can fight his way out of this mess, with some good old fashioned wrestling.  

He quickly gets to his feet looking around, finding just the kind of advantage his wrestling skills might be able to provide for him as Glass rolls over, face bloodied and bruised badly from the repeated knees to the face.  Instead of playing things Morton’s way Glass reaches under his jacket and pulls out his sidearm pointing in toward Morton.  

Who doesn’t notice until just before he connects with a trash can lid across Glass’s left side. Knocking the gun away, setting it off. Morton flinches as he crumples the garbage can lid over Glass’s body with repeated swings, more pissing off the man then injuring him.  The garbage can lid is mangled and now bent and rolled over on itself making a small club, harder and sturdier than it was as a lid.  Swinging it good and hard he clips Glass on the left cheek catching his eye.

Good old fashioned wrestling… well hardcore wrestling to be exact.  Glass knocks the impromptu weapon out of Morton’s hands and grabs his arm pulling him in.  Trapping his right arm in his left, punching him over and over again with his right.  Morton struggles free kicking him solidly between the legs.  Glass releases him then rams into him, sending him slamming into the side of a building as he retrieves his Glock.  Pointing it at Motron.  Spitting blood from his mouth.

“Now… Pft.. You’re going to come with me.”

Wiping blood from his mouth.

“Nice and quietly.”

Morton doesn’t even think he steps forward and Glass swings the Glock at his head, getting caught in a flying armbar which slams him into the corner of the ground and the building.  





Morton yanked back as hard as he could and the telltale thundering snap of Glass’s arm being broken and snapped out of socket was all he needed to know the man would not be getting back up anytime soon.  The screams were bonus.  Grabbing the Glock, Morton stood up aiming the gun at his assailant's head.  

“Fuck you!!!  What the Fuck?”

His words trailed off as he pulled the trigger, his gun not aimed at the man, but rather something else.  Something burning and galloping at a fast speed toward him





His shot was true, or just fucking lucky as it hit the runaway horse on fire square in the head causing it to veer off.  Re-aiming the gun at his assailant he pulls the trigger only to hear  a hollow click and nothing else.  Apparently there was only one bullet left in the gun as Morton pulled the trigger again and again before throwing it down at the man who assaulted him.  Kicking once more for good measure and mostly for a little gratification Morton stalks off, seemingly from all the weird shit that had been happening to him.

Day 3 December 26th, 1997
The day after Christmas



God that guy was a fucktard.  It was well past dusk into the late night early morning hours when I found myself wandering the halls of the American Museum of Natural History.  The place was half locked up and I was curious at the fact the front doors were still open at such a late hour.  

I was amused to be honest, the museum had these weird quiz machines all over the place, I’ll be honest I don’t know the stone age from Age of Empires.  For example, one of them asked How many animals are hiding?  Do you see my problem here?  Stone Age from Age of Empires.

The funny thing is that was the only one I got right… 9.  Lucky guess, ok they were all multiple choice and I got lucky.  And for some weird fucked up reason the machine dropped out a small box of ammo, something like 30 odd bullets, a bottle label medicine 4 and a syringe that I think said revive it was not in English.  Well not exactly English.

The dinosaurs were nice.  Although I think the eyes of the T-rex were following me as I walked past it.  I’ll be honest it was a nice quiet change from the past few days of weird shit going on.  EVE, Aya, that psycho fucktard I left sprawled in the middle of the street.  I think Christmas still sucks.  Maybe I’ll take up Hanukkah, get a few more good days rather than one crappy on….

THUNK!

Have you ever noticed how long it takes to wake up from being knocked out?     Me neither, but I was certain of one thing, I hate being tied up.  All in all I should be afraid of Americans at this point.  And everybody else in the world it seems.  I’m in some kind of shitty office. There's a list of names tacked up on the wall by a computer.  HLA something or another it says, I’m a bit fuzzy on seeing things, must have taken a really hard lump to the old noggin.  And what the hell is up with that wailing going on from upstairs somewhere.  LIke a woman screaming her head off.  

Turns out the local doctor slash museum caretaker, Hans grabass or something is a real piece of work, been screwing one of his patiences or some socialite type, I’ve only caught a glimpse of her; nice body.  But I’m tied to a chair in his office trying to get free.  Didn’t even have to break the chair.  I bolt as soon as my feet are free enough to run, ropes dangling from my hands and one ankle.

The door’s not locked, then again why would it be,I was tied up.  Secure in that chair,and the ropes looked strong enough, but I’m guessing they weren’t all that strong seeing as I broke through a couple of them with only a little effort.  And that’s when I heard it crystal fucking clearly.





Well not that, I mean yeah All I Want was blasting crystal fucking clear too, somewhere in the building, maybe the nightshift guard was sneakign off for a little new rock from the year I’m not sure.  But I was running for my life when I heard psycho EVE cackling behind me, and I may or may not have seen the doctor with his pants down dangling from one of her freakishly long arms.  I mean call me crazy, but I swear her arms are getting longer every time I see her.  NOPE FUCK THAT!

I don’t look back, but I run like hell and I think she’s just playing with me as I run hardly stopping longer than to catch an extra breath before bulldozing through a number of barricades with nobody guarding them.  I hear some nose static mostly but the occasional broadcast moment with evacuation instructions for the city and the clearly fucking bullshi…..

SHIT she’s on my ass again.    This goes on all the way to

New York Police Department Station #17

It is not very light outside, and things are clearly going batshit crazy in this city.  People say California is bad, well fuck New York too.





Really that song now of all times. It’s not a good impression that I’m getting right now.  And the station doors are wide open as I charge through nobody at the desk but I hear somebody around a corner.  I just run into the back hallway where it splits left right and down.  I only hesitate long enough to hear glass shattering behind me.  Oh for fuck me I’m gonna die….

She’s just strolling along like this is her own little playground, I’m not a coward, I’ve just never been tested… BULLSHIT I a fucking running scared coward.  She threw a Mac Truck three blocks back at me.  I’m a coward and I’m not afraid of admitting it.  Run White Slice run.  That boy sure is a running fool…

I’d be a bigger fool if I didn’t run.  Down the stairs I went, barricading myself into one of the rooms I found open.  A dog was there caged, not barking.  Me going oh shit I just corned myself.  I really had enough of it at this point, I grabbed the door to the dogs cage yanking on it in desperation hoping that it would be of help against the crazy woman stalking me around New York City.  Sheeva, hehe.  Sorry it’s not funny, but the PA system in the station turned on and the radio was the only thing to be heard.





Sheeva… Shiva, Hindu deity, India… giggles small giggles.  And oh shit she caved the door in but Sheeva was barking like a fanatic NASCAR fan.  Running circles of her on as she shot for the cage door… while I shot for the one beyond EVE.

Oh and the rats are getting bigger, yup going for the next floor, and keep on keeping on til I find a way… oops.

I cornered myself on the police station roof.  WHat kind of dumb ass would do that. Don’t answer that.



EVE Versus Morton Dewloski a.k.a Elusive Snake

“Silverbolt.. Silverbolt, do you have eyes on the target?.”

“Glass Snake, you sound like a Sheila.  I’ve got eyes on the roo, Eaglewolf out.”

“Silverbolt, don’t let him get away, we have our orders.”





He turns up the volume on his walkman, with a cassette tape in it, pushing the microphone into the headphone to drown out Glass Snakes unnecessary mothering.  Sighting through the scope of his gun Eaglewolf, of the FoxHound Green Umbrella Unit nicknamed Silverbolt, zeroes in on Morton their target as he crashes onto the roof of the police station.  Not more than a moment later the sight jerks up abruptly.  

“The ‘ell is that bloody bitch?”

Slowly he zooms out getting a better view of the whole rooftop.

Morton backsteps tripping over his own feet as EVE slowly stalks up to him, with no route of escape.  He regains his feet albeit in an awkward stance more like a football player on the line of scrimmage.  He charged forward diving off to the side at the last moment as EVE swatted across his side gouging him with her long nail-like fingers.  Blood trickling from his side through his fingers as he clutches it with one hand.  Once again she slashes at him this time he makes it by her.

“Get out the way you stupid Roo.  I can’t get a clean shot on that Sheila with you bouncin all over the place like that.”

Silverbolt swore as he watched the fight progress with the monster woman and his target.  Morton tried dodging again but was caught and hauled into the air blocking Eaglewolf’s line of sight.  Again not having a clear shot he continued to wait, as Eve slammed Morton into the roof of the police station twice before tossing him aside.  But quickly follows up by grabbing him by his heel pulling him once again into the line of sight of Silverbolt’s shot.  

A rumble is heard in the distance as something can be seen in the distance.  Oh shit Silverbolt thinks as he lines up the best shot he can make.  The sound of a fast approaching jet forces him to line up a riskier shot at the monster woman EVE despite his target being flipped and flopped into his line of sight too quickly to guarantee a perfect one shot one kill shot.

He flicks his line of sight to the approaching jet lining up on the pilot to gauge his distance and speed, and maybe make an even riskier decision for the mission.  Remove the jet from the equation…

No take his shot on the monster… but something happens to cause him to delay his shot.  Hesitating from moving his sight from the jet he sees something grotesque transpires.  The pilot of the jet bubbled into a pool of flesh and blood and as he started to move his line of sight back.

His handshakes as he pulls the trigger.   BANG!





One shot.. One complete miss as the bullet zips past EVE and Morton harmlessly slammign hoe into a metal guard rail lining the roof.  EVE turns her attention to the sound as Morton yanks his body free of her grip.  Hitting the roof hard he rolls to his feet one hand clutching his injured side and runs for the side of the building, he leaps into the air as the fighter jet zips by close enough to shake the rooftop…

“OY… FUCK ME!”

SIlverbolt shouts as the fighter jet screams directly into his perch before he has a chance to move!

Day 4, December 27th
Conception





The fucking hell…

I’ve got balls there you know… I think… still… maybe…  

Did it knick it?

That is one huge ass spider… lady?  Oh fuck me that wasn’t a dream.  Wait, did she?  I do feel like I need to drain the lizard for about twenty minutes.  Wait, nah, I’d remember if I was, I mean.  Who could sleep through that?

“Hey watch the claw spiderbitch.”

Last thing I remember was a stray bullet distracting EVE and jumping for it, from the roof of the police station.  After that not so much… the impact or the follow up.  Speaking of follow ups, judging by the decour and the ivory shackles restraining me to this ugly clinic looking bed I’m guessing I’ve been hospitalized.  And clearly not for my own health.  I suddenly get how it must feel for a coma patient to wake up pregnant after six years in the deep sleep.  Morton Jr. was bloated up like Bowser ready to spit fire to empty out his packed Koopa shell.  

In other words this was most likely St Francis Hospital, and I was being detained but not for my health.  And I was getting more and more sure that I was ridden like Seattle Sue while I was out cold…

I don’t see a payment or a tip, so I probably wasn’t that good.  I’d like to say that I’m shocked and appalled by this event, but to be honest it’s not the first time I’ve woken up well fucked and clueless about who and how.  But let’s get back to the more pressing issue here… where the fuck did spider bitch drop in from.  





This is not going to end well, I’m shackled to this bed… oh did I forget to mention buttass naked.  I feel like a running gag in a tactical espionage video game.  And the punchline just dropped in millimeters from my nutsack.  

“I don’t think that’s how you get a close shave lady.”

She’s growling at me as I pull against the restraints, oh thank god they pull free with little effort at all.  I’m not happy about this situation.  Naked and being attacked by a long armeed long clawed spider woman.  She doesn’t even have the decency to be a redhead.   Dodge… dodge  DODGE DODGE DODGE…

Wait what the smack.  

Spider lady gets me upside the head as I stopped catching my reflection in the mirrored surface of the hospital room's window.  Why the fuck is my hair blonde.  Breaking through the doorway into the hall, I find out it’s not a normal hospital room, or floor for that matter. The hallway looks like a damn windtunnel.  I flip up and over legs splitting midair as projectile saliva shots passed my hands as I cover myself  to avoid contact with it.








And Creed is playing in the background, someone has a sick sense of humor, as I land I start running this isn’t going to end well. Only problem is all the exits are closed and locked shut.  Meaning the only way out is through past the spider wench and up the hole she came out of.  Well nothing for it but to charge back into that room and try to get past her.  

I find her waiting like she knew I had no alternative.  Dodging as she spits at me and shoots webbing to try and stick me in place.  Down on the ground I tumble landing in a good old fashioned crawl… ouch my poor nuts are being dragged across this torn up floor.  Nope one hand down to cover them again, not risking a sliver in the good old boys Morton Jr. for that matter.  Oh fuck me she smells like a cat’s asshole with diarrhea.  

You really don’t want to know about that!

I can see the light from the opening and jump out from beneath her spider rump just in time to avoid being squashed by her next assault.  Climbing onto the bed I grab the side rail ripping it free in desperation swinging it to keep her at bay when SPLAT!

Eww I got spider wench in my mouth as I was about to shout at her to stay back…  Her unintelligible screams being hammered out by the now steadily declining sound of a jet engine slowly burning out.  Burning out where it landed directly on top of her breaking an even bigger opening up to the rooftop.

I look up wondering if I should even attempt it, but let’s face it I had no other option, the doors are all locked and the only way out is up.  Climb like you’re Spiderman Morton…

“Sucks to be you MJ,I always preferred Gwen anyways”

A pointless taunt considering she was flat as an pancake but fuck it i’m taking it as a win, as I jump up grabing hold of broken rooftop pieces and water piping still pouring out steamin hot water.  Fuck it I could use the shower, not so much the third degree burns I was gettign all over my hands and arms free climbing them but you know freedom or spider squash…

I choose freedom.

“You can take my hands… but you can’t take my FREEEEDOMMM!”

So I need mental help sue me.  I make it to the top and remember this.

Day 5 December 28th, 1997
The Snow is getting deeper



And so is the bullshit! I’m telling you this is complete bullshit,





There’s not enough light to see by and I kind of feel like I’m being pushed around by fate.  I’m not even sure how I made it off the hospital roof.  Things are a bit fuzzy.  Might have been a poisonous spider lady I was assaulted by.  I’m still walking funny, I get the feeling I slept through something I should have woken up for.  

Hell, I ended up in Chinatown.  I’m just waiting for a dragon to come around a corner and chase me for six blocks.  Not even sure if it wouldn’t be real with the way things have been going this week, and not just a couple of guys playing Chinese new year.

It serves me right though.  I wasn’t looking and the next thing I know I’m free falling down an open manhole cover.  It’s a good sized drop too.  I wander around for a while after realizing there is no way back up to street level from where I dropped in.  And who builds a sewer system like the pyramids of Egypt.  Twenty foot ceilings and slime everywhere.  Now I’m looking for the Sphinx.  OH god please don’t let that be an actual thing, lion headed giant cat monsters.   Meow?  NO, no, no, I did not just hear a cat meow down here.  Or a few more.

“Fuck me, it’s a pack of cats.  Do cats come in packs?  I think they’re getting closer.”

Oh god I think I just saw a rat zip by too.  





I haven’t forgotten the other rat.  And I think the slime is flowing slowly all in the same direction.  Might as well follow the flow there might be a way out in that direction.  And of course the cats are getting louder. I can hear myself think with all this howling.  I find a nice pleasant spot where the slime is pooling and it’s open too, plenty of room to stretch and watch the water turn fugly.  

Oh crap those are not normal cats.





Surrounded by a pack of cat freaks.  They’re all skin and bones, sniffing around for something, but they’re coming closer.  How are they sniffing anything without innards?  Ah shit!  Get off my leg you mongrel pussy.
…

Mongrel pussy, that sounds dangerous, and not right either.  Oh shit my shoes.  Let go!

I’m running around trying not to become a scratching post for this pack of hellcats.





Of course that’s when it happens.  When everything goes fuck shaped.  Oh yeah we are well fucking passed pear shaped at this point.  The cats freak the fuck out, and I feel a claws digging into my back as well.  That’s not a cat's claws.





Oh come on, cats and rats and this slime is gross.  Flat on my back rolling in the shit and the one rat is squaring off against the cat pack.   Shouldn’t they be cool cats in a rat pack?








Oh god the horror.  The rat is winning.  Why is the rat winning four on one.  What’s that smell?  Did somebody flush all the toilets in the New York City subway all at once?  What is that smell?  I feel the water rising up to my ankles and it’s still getting higher.  Umm that’s not just water.





Too fast.  Gag, choke, sputtering out water between gasps for air.  How the hell am I supposed to get out of this liquid piss monster?   My dry cleaner is going to ass rape me for his cleaning fee this time around.

I’m pissed off, and I smell like I’ve been pissed on, and in.  Taste like it too, good that sure as fuck doesn’t taste like Mountain Dew, god awful stuff anyway.  I’m washed down the sewers into…

Tch…

What…

A…

Surprise…

More sewers, and they smell like I do.  Freshly pissed on, in, and under, over and through.  If I ever see that slime thing again it’ll be too soon. Man that fucker needs to be blown to smithereens or shit or something.  But just as I think I can’t have any worse luck.  I find this stuck to a wall, and I’m not even going to dignify explaining the piece of shit that was gluing it to the sewer walls with any detail.  Hint hint, Literally!





Hmm looks like there’s a subway not too far through this ra… let's not mention the ROUSs.  I’m going to pretend they’re gnomes, and say they don’t exist.  Now let’s follow this map and ewww gross I need to wash my hands now, icky I just stuck my hand in this paper’s…

Glue!

YES I MEAN SHIT!!!!  NO NO NO NO I mean oh shit where did that fucking thing come from, and why is it chasing me..  Ladder Ladder where’s that fucking ladder.  Run faster white boy.  Move your ass at Lightning Speed, or you know FASTER!

Subway, ladder, climb faster oh good I’m safe, it can’t climb up herrooooshit! Go GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Why is it still chasing me and how the hell did it climb a ladder to get up into the subway behind me?  And I still smell shit.  

“Hey… no, no, don’t lock that gate, son of a bitch, run you dumb mother fucker! Run”

And that’s exactly what he did.  The two of us running deeper into the subway away from the exit, why are we running away from the exit.   Oh god there better be a second one.   Wait, wait.

“Dodge.”

Lightning bolts, it’s fires lightning bolts from it’s tail come off it dammit.  





“Run for it.”

“Where?”

“Another way out how the hell should I know, you’re the dumbass with the subway gate key…”

We slip out a second exit from the subway, but not before one of those stray lightning bolts flash fries my new companion.  Well sucks to be him, but I’m not sticking around to join him or any of these other corpses laying about.  I’m out here.. You .

“Can kiss my ass Roach face.”

God that was a nightmare, breath relax, where the fuck am I now?





Yeah the memory of piss remains, it kind of lingers too.  Where the hell am I?  Looks like some kind of warehouse district.  Maybe I can res…

Oh fuck me what’s with all the super mutant critters running about.





“Stop shooting your fucking bubble beam at me Kingler.  It’s hard enough to find a lace to run in through all these fucking crates.”

That’s what I do dodging into the first damn doorway I find, ducking under some fallen crates and shelving.  Oh look, a freight-elevator.  Ooooooohhhhhhhhh even better…

“Hello sweetheart, what have we here?”





Don’t mind if I do.  I’m tired of running my ass off being chased by these overgrown freaks.  HA HA HA HA HA, I lined up in front of the freight-elevator to get a good clear shot at Kingler the Bubble Beam shooting crab.  He was a little stuck but it didn’t take it long to knock more stuff over and make a way through for itself.  I’m stepping back to make sure I have him square in my sights, another step and a half, two more and there it is rearing up blasting me with its bubble beam again.  Boy does that make me feel sluggish as I squeeze the AT4’s trigger.

Umm is that supposed to happen?  I think I trip or get knocked over, I can’t tell which as I find myself falling backwards, feeling the heat of an explosion and being bombarded by shattering pieces of debris and elevator parts.  Oh shit flapping elevator cables.  Slam!

My back hits first, then the fragmented parts of the freight-elevator come crashing down around and on top of me.  For fuck sake, I’m not the basement floor, oh crap, that’s the bottom of the hellevator…  I’m screaming as I roll out of the way into the basement of the warehouse.  What’s worse is the scrapping I hear as I stand up brushing myself off looking around before the piercing noise gets louder.  I look up the shaft and see the damn Kingler clawing it’s way down the elevator shaft.  Oh fuck me, I need a way out of here.  I turn to look for an exit a stairwell or a door leading to god forbid the fucking subway or sewers again when I see  four fucking walls and only the death trap that fucking pokemon reject is coming down…

SCREEECH!

Coming down very fucking fast.  Oh shit its claw slipped. I’m going to die.  AT4 AT4, alright now for a second shot.  Oh right no more ammo, god damn it all to hell.  Crabby is getting really pissed as it slips free from the walls of the elevator shaft crashing down the last few dozen feet into the basement level,

“Great, trapped between four walls and oversized seafood!”

I’m not going to die well.  So I backup, the hell if I’m going to go out like a little bitch trapped in a corner screaming for god to save me.  I start screaming at it, I mean I’m letting it hear my entire and very impressive vocabulary of colorful metaphors and vague references.

It doesn’t slow the bastard down for even a moment in fact I think it’s pissed off at being called Kingler.  Well you know, poke a monster, gotta piss’em off.  What?  I’m not up to date on kids shows.  Well not completely…. Ok It’s a guilty pleasure… pii pika chuuuuu!

Ok that really pissed off Kingler.  I dodge between its legs rolling across the warehouse basement’s floor spinning around as I come up propping the AT4 up for the perfect shot.. When it hits me.

NO FUCKING AMMO DUMBASS!

“Pika…! Chuuuuuuuu?”

Fuck it, in the immortal words of Monty Python… RUNAWAY!  I boldly raced for the shaft… that came out wrong.

So very, very, very wrong!  I am not a shaft man…

That’s not helping my case here.  Oh look slim cylindrical cords that could easily fit into a hand and be used to mount and climb…

Nope still not helping me out here.  Oh for the love of a non-gay non-sexual joke, climb the damn shaft cords jackass.  Just one problem, Kingler is bracing his claws against the shaft and preparing to climb up behind me.  

Well nothing for it, I’m going to miss you sweetheart.  AT4 away!  HA take that Kingler, there’s mud in your eye, or an AT4, oh I think he’s, yup he’s going to swallow that whole and I was really looking forward to finding some more ammo for it up in the warehouse too.

Go figure that’s exactly what I find once I get topside and start working my way out.  Pier no 3 Warehouse Shipyard.  Oh and there’s a second sign: Nuclear Warhead Storage Building.  Nah that can’t be right.  Who would leave a rocket launcher in a nuclear warhead storage building.  Must be a typo.

It’s getting dark by the time I find myself heading in the general direction of the museum, but I’m not interested in going back there. I find a nice spot a few piers down, looking out toward the old lady liberty herself.  

What the fuck was that.  As  I spin around I see it happening all over again, that damn smell.





So apparently the secret of the ooze, is that it’s….

Fucking alive!

And it looks like a giant fucking womb now.  I need to leave this fucking city yesterday, or maybe a week ago now.





Well that’s a bit before this year's music but I can dig it.  And it really fits the motif of the week anyways.  When the metaphorical dust settles, and the blast zone of blown up shit finally lands, she’s just glaring with her evil offspring.  As they float off through the destruction they’ve caused.  There’s a ship out there in the harbor.  A navy ship, but as things progress I don’t have much time to stand around watching, a bullet zips past my head as I’m about to make a quick escape to leave all of this shit behind me.  And another, like some crazy ass mother fucker is taking potshots at me from somewhere.  What the hell can’t a guy just have an easy day for once.

I catch a glimpse of the slime monster making its way into the harbor, and oh for the love of all that’s holy, not Lady Liberty you heathen bastard.  Have some fucking respect!

“Stop shooting at me you asshole!”

Like they can hear me.  That’s when I notice something else, a little light coming from a storage container the size of a building just a little ways off.  

Well color me fucked stupid!

Day 6, December 29th 1997
Fuck Yeah my new car


Alright that lead off is very misleading.  I need to backtrack for a few minutes here before we go on.  First of all Super Eve not cool, the Ultimate being again not fucking cool.  But it’s worse than that Slimer the Stay Puft Marshmallow Statue of Liberty is not something you can just ignore.  Sure bigger threat, the size of a gnat in comparison, and you just ignore it as it waltzes through New York City’s harbor on a path to destroy all.  

Now that being said, let’s not forget I was staring at one of the coolest things I’d ever seen…. And it wasn’t ouch.  Fuckin hell.  I rub the back of my head as I hear a dull thud on the ground behind me.  Reaching down to pick it up I see a plaque

George Trevor it reads, who the fuck is that?  I don’t care.  Tossing it aside I find myself looking at the biggest damn Tonka toyaaa…

Oh shit, another fucking bullet  buzzes past my ear.  This time it bites as it goes by.  

“Fuck that hurt.”





Zoot suit riot, riot, riot… my head hurts, my ear stings and once I duck inside the storage crate I get to stare down the coolest thing I’ve ever…

“Son of a Bitch!”





Oh yeah this is going to end badly.  This guy doesn’t even say much as he glares at me and then I see that jackass who I dislocated the arm of rolling his now relocated shoulder and cracking his neck.





“I’m just going to shoot him and get this over with.  I owe this bitch for nearly tearing my arm off.”

“Cool it, Glass, he’s not going anywhere, and subduing him is priority one.”

“Always the cool cat Fox.”

“Just focus on the mission and put that peashooter away.”

“Yes mother!”

I can hear them ignoring me, so long as I don’t make any movements in any direction, but my eyes are looking for a way out, and the only thing I see…

“FUCK, that was my ear  DAMMIT! That hurts.”

And he’s on me before I can blink, but I get a good shot in on him wrapping up one of his arms as he tried getting away, but the one called Glass kicked me from behind breaking my hold.

“Oh no you don’t E.  Not this time.  None of that cheap shit garbage wrestling moves with two of us to fight.”

Again as I turn the Fox guy sucker punches my ribs as I turn to fend off Glass as he goes for a second kick.  God damn he’s quick.

This goes on every time I try to block or attack the one, the other gets a shot in.  and it’s almost always that Fox guy striking quick and precise like.

“Fuck what are you some kind of fucking ninja?”

He smirks for just a moment as both of his feet leave the ground.  My only chance, I eat the fist from Glass straight to the face in order to get a shot in on Fox, snagging him out of the air and slamming him face first into the ground with all the force I can muster.  He’s stunned as I turn to deal with Glass, this guy really pisses me off.  I’ve never wanted to kill a man in cold blood before…

Well or at all really but this guy…

Ok there was that manager from Pizza Hut I used to work under.  But he was a mini Hilter.

And once again that Fox guy is up off the ground, but I only catch a glimpse of him as I land a solid hit on Glass hearing a crack from the impact of my fist on his face.  

…

I don’t know how long it’s been, or even where I am, but I can tell one thing.  I’m not in Kansas anymore Toto.  Everything is weird, I can’t move, but it feels like I can move any which way I can imagine.  I feel weightless and yet…

I feel like I’m weighed down by a hundred tons of metal and wiring.  I feel harnessed in and yet like I’m walking free.  I can’t tell up from down, but I get the feeling that if I move my legs I’ll take a step.  It all gets fuzzy as I try, I black out… but I can hear three voices speaking as my mind feels like it’s in deep sleep.

“Huey, this better work or you’ll be a dead man for real this time.”

“It will work just fine, Glass Snake.  You have my wo…”

“Just make sure!”


It begins from the aftershocks of the fight with Super Eve.  As Aya fights with the Ultimate being aboard the navy battleship, the forgotten slime monster begins to move.  And with it the altered beast of Lady Liberty becomes animated and lifelike.  She walks toward the city leaving everything behind.  A trial of slime and tarnished bronze as it closes the distance to the shore.  

From a semi isolated warehouse, and shipyard a  noise can be heard like the sound of an engine being started up, an engine of a size to rival the massive statue at least to some degree.   In moments a fight breaks out between the two giants of  proportion.  And it’s clear that the advantage is with Slime Liberty, until a voice screams out.

“NO I’ve lost control, it’s going to stop… or worse it might be being taken over from….”

The words are lost in the shouts of the other two men Glass Snake and Grey Fox as the machine takes on a life of its own, being piloted by the man confined within it, though he can’t believe that what is happening is real.

In the amount of time it takes for a Jacked up Aya to off load her specially made DNA encoded bullets into the Ultimate bein gending it’s life prematurely, the clash of the titans comes to an end with one towering above the rest, before Huey Emmerich regains control of the massive mobile weapons platform.  And the members of FoxHound’s Green Umbrella Unit resecure their objectives for transport.  

The next day a news report plays all throughout the country and world…

Terrorist blow up statue of liberty in final act of terror -  Blockade Incident resolved.  Peace will return in time.  But if one were to look through the tabloids, they might see an entirely different article, so unbelievable that only conspiracy theorists and alien fanatics would believe it.

A picture with the caption giant robot battles Living Statue Of Liberty monster.